Depression is a funny thing...

Nine years ago on September 11th, I was at home with my 5 month old baby boy. My husband called me and told me to turn on the TV, I watched the second tower fall. It made me sad, but it was so far away from where I lived and things on TV never really look quite real, so I didn't really feel the impact that others I know felt. Every year on September 11th, people say, "never forget" or "I won't forget" or other things of that nature... and still I feel so detached from the situation. I promise I'm not cold... I love my country, I love the men and women who helped in that crisis, I'm angry that a group of people hated our country enough to kill innocent people. I'm happy that airport security and other things have stepped up on their responsibilities to keep us safe... but still feel detached from the whole situation. I finally figured it out today... I was one of the lucky women who experienced post partum depression after I had my baby... but I didn't figure it out right away. It was at least two months after my baby was born before I realized that the "baby blues" had never really gone away. I was in a black hole, felt like I was sinking and never could get on top of anything. I made sure my baby was always fed, changed, napped, loved etc. But I never showered, got ready, picked up, did the dishes or fixed food. I was truly and deeply depressed... when I finally figured out what was wrong (hubs begged me to go to my Doctor) he said, "wow, you are really depressed!" He put me on an anti-depressant that didn't work for my body chemistry... it's not his fault or anything... it works for other people, but it made me tired, so in addition to being completely non-functioning, I also couldn't get out of bed. So then we tried another one. Celexa. That one finally worked for me, but of course it took a while to work the dosage out and get me feeling like myself again. So by the time 9/11 happened, I still wasn't back to "normal." I think this is why I'm so detached from the event... I was pretty detached from my own life. I'm happy to say that two years on Celexa and a year and a half of counseling to teach me how to deal with my emotions finally put an end to my depression... but it's still sad to me that I don't feel the same way that others seem to feel on 9/11. It's a yearly reminder, that there was something wrong with me... and even if it is "fixed" now, I can never go back and undo what was done, I can't go back and emotionally connect with this great tragedy.

The wave...

So they sell this really cool stuff at the hardware store. It's a film that is usually textured on one side, and sticky on the other side, and it's perfect to cut out and place on windows to get a little more privacy, it just kind of makes everything a little bit fuzzy so you can't just see straight through a window, but it still lets light in. My friend has it on the skinny long window by her front door. It really works well.


If this was my house I would totally buy some of that stuff. I have this huge window that is above the front door. It's so pretty during the day, because it lets in a lot of light, but it looks right into the railing in front of my bedroom... which makes it problematic for when I want to walk into my room at night. When there is any light on, anyone on my street can see right in that window and right up to my doorway... so I've implemented what I call "the wave." Usually I'm dressed, so neighbors could happen to look in and see me and it wouldn't be a problem... but it so happens that several times when I've been less than modest I've walked down the hall and right in front of the window and thought, "I really hope no one saw me!" I just don't think about the fact that you can see right in until I've walked past it, I stressed out about this fact a few times until I realized I just don't have the energy to waste worrying about it. So now instead of worrying about it, I just turn and wave. I figure that it's better for a neighbor to see me in my underwear and waving at them, than to just see me in my underwear. So the next time you are walking naked in front of a big window and everyone can see you, just turn and wave!