Depression is a funny thing...

Nine years ago on September 11th, I was at home with my 5 month old baby boy. My husband called me and told me to turn on the TV, I watched the second tower fall. It made me sad, but it was so far away from where I lived and things on TV never really look quite real, so I didn't really feel the impact that others I know felt. Every year on September 11th, people say, "never forget" or "I won't forget" or other things of that nature... and still I feel so detached from the situation. I promise I'm not cold... I love my country, I love the men and women who helped in that crisis, I'm angry that a group of people hated our country enough to kill innocent people. I'm happy that airport security and other things have stepped up on their responsibilities to keep us safe... but still feel detached from the whole situation. I finally figured it out today... I was one of the lucky women who experienced post partum depression after I had my baby... but I didn't figure it out right away. It was at least two months after my baby was born before I realized that the "baby blues" had never really gone away. I was in a black hole, felt like I was sinking and never could get on top of anything. I made sure my baby was always fed, changed, napped, loved etc. But I never showered, got ready, picked up, did the dishes or fixed food. I was truly and deeply depressed... when I finally figured out what was wrong (hubs begged me to go to my Doctor) he said, "wow, you are really depressed!" He put me on an anti-depressant that didn't work for my body chemistry... it's not his fault or anything... it works for other people, but it made me tired, so in addition to being completely non-functioning, I also couldn't get out of bed. So then we tried another one. Celexa. That one finally worked for me, but of course it took a while to work the dosage out and get me feeling like myself again. So by the time 9/11 happened, I still wasn't back to "normal." I think this is why I'm so detached from the event... I was pretty detached from my own life. I'm happy to say that two years on Celexa and a year and a half of counseling to teach me how to deal with my emotions finally put an end to my depression... but it's still sad to me that I don't feel the same way that others seem to feel on 9/11. It's a yearly reminder, that there was something wrong with me... and even if it is "fixed" now, I can never go back and undo what was done, I can't go back and emotionally connect with this great tragedy.