Not quite myself...

So I haven't been feeling quite like myself lately. After last night, I came home and talked with hubs and told him I didn't feel quite right. He lovingly agreed that he's noticed I have been in a bit of a funk lately, but told me he wasn't upset and he knew I would pull out of it soon and wasn't too worried (he does know me best so if he was really concerned I would listen to him!) So I've been thinking a lot about that today. Why I've been feeling like this, and what I can do about it. I've been depressed before. Not just blue or down, but actually depressed. It was right after I had my first baby... I was truly depressed and I went and sought help for that. I know exactly what that feels like, and I wrote in my journal a lot at that time, and I don't feel like I am experiencing the kind of depression that is debilitating, and requires a visit to my awesome therapist, and that needs a nice dose of meds to help me produce what my body at that time was lacking.

This is very different. And I'm thinking it's not coinciding with my womanly cycle either (although let's be honest, it definitely doesn't make anything better!!!) I usually get down a little when we move, I've noticed it in some form or degree every time. Even though this was a happy move, our own house, it's still change, it's still a major life event that can get overwhelming and make you feel less like yourself. But this is recent. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it until today. For the last three to four weeks I have been feeling like I have no energy, and no motivation. Before that, even with being overwhelmed with unpacking and organizing a new house, I was still working out, eating right, cleaning my kitchen every day. Playing with my kids. For the last three weeks I haven't.

I'm a very sensitive person, and when people I love are going through great trials, I feel it, I internalize it. It's a good quality, because I can truly empathize and be there for people... but it's also a bad quality because it can seep into every aspect of my life if I let it. Recently I have watched several marriages fall apart. Watched selfishness take over and tear a family apart thread by thread. To me this is the most devastating thing that can happen in ones life, in my opinion, I will even go so far as to say more devastating than the death of a loved one. It breaks my heart, for the spouses who are trying to make it work. It breaks my heart for the children. I know firsthand, the awful range of emotions over a period of several years children feel if their central family unit is torn apart. I have been hurting for these marriages for the last few weeks. I have been mourning them, and truly hurting. And I didn't even realize it.

Unfortunately that is one of my personality traits that I am working on. I can go for weeks without knowing what's wrong with me, and it isn't until I really dig to find out why I'm bothered that I can put my finger on it. It's why I write, I have notebooks that I frequently write in, I write in my personal journal, and I blog. I have been asked why I would put such personal things on my blog for everyone to see? And the only thing I can think of to respond to that, is that anyone who knows me knows that I can't hide who I am. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm not fake in any way shape of form... believe me I've tried, but I can't put on a facade for people, even if I really want to. I'm just not like that. I don't mind people seeing the real me. I can be up and down, positive and negative, but it's me, in my raw form, un-edited. And I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

I've shared my experiences with counseling, and have helped at least 5 different people to seek out counseling because I was willing to share and talk about it. I think that's a great thing. My counselor helped me to have deep meaningful relationships with my loved ones. I wasn't willing to be vulnerable before that... so maybe this is the side effect. Now I really put myself out there!!! But she helped me to have the tools to love and be loved and I will forever be grateful for that.

The best part of this realization today is that now I can let this go and move on. I'm still sad for the marriages that are crumbling. I'm still sad for the children. But now that I've grieved for them, I will move on. Rejoice in the relationship that I have with my own husband. Thank the Lord that He helped me find someone so perfect for me. Hold on to him and our beautiful children with all I have and make sure they know every day that I love them and cherish them and want them to be happy. And I hope that as time moves forward, I can get better about identifying what I'm feeling and why, and acknowledge it sooner, so I don't have a whole month where I feel like this again!!! I just have a feeling it's going to be one of these life long battles! But that's okay, progress is progress right? ;)

Friend Problems...

So I totally joke all the time that I really am messed up. It's partly a joke, but I'm starting to think it might be a little true to. So here's the deal. I have rarely had a good friendship, that I have thought, yay, I have a good friend and they love me for who I am, and I love them for who they are, and they need me in their life, and I need them in my life. Thank goodness my husband is my number one best friend or I really would be lonely.

I've actually posted on this before, ranted a bit about friends in the past who have been not so great as friends. But as I was talking tonight with a friend at a church activity, it dawned on me that I still feel so insecure when it comes to my friendships. Maybe it's because I have a skewed sense of what a friend should be? I'm not entirely sure. As an adult, I've had plenty of friendships... there are people I seem to click with... oh sure, I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else... but there have been lots of people I get along with and have a good time with. But I invite people over to hang out and let the kids play, and they don't end up coming. Maybe I'm inviting the wrong people over? Maybe because my kids are a little older and I have a little more time to play, and I am inviting moms who are still just surviving with little ones and they aren't in a position yet? I mean, I'm likable... at least I think I am.

I have this insecurity, I've been told too many times by people that they are so glad they got to know me because I'm so nice and fun and funny, and before they got to know me they thought I was a snob. I used to think that it didn't bother me... but I've been feeling a little down and lonely and now those past situations have decided to creep in and they have been heightened a bit and I'm starting to wonder why anyone would think that about me. I think I'm fairly good looking, I would even go so far as to say I'm pretty. Is it because I'm pretty that people think I'm stuck up? I'm probably WAY over-analyzing this... I guess I just feel like everyone I know has a few friends that they can call up and talk to, go hang out with, meet at McDonalds, go to the park and have a picnic with, have come over, and I don't. Maybe it's because we have moved a lot in the last few years... honestly, that's probably it.

When we lived in our Condo for seven years I had friends like that. When we bought our first house I had a rare friend that I clicked instantly with, that had a relationship like that, but that was five years ago, since then we have moved four times. I'm starting to work out my feeling about this as I type (which is obviously the reason I blog because it really does help me work things out) And I'm thinking that a combination of bad weather, just moving, hormones and maybe a little stress has just made me feel extra lonely lately. Sometimes I forget that it takes TIME to develop friendships, and I need to put work into them. So I will try. But I am also going to stop thinking that there is something wrong with me. I'm a good friend to those who are my friends, I'm pretty fun, I'm loyal, I can keep a secret. I feel better now. I'm going to be confident and just pull myself out of this slump that I am in. But I really do need to get together with someone soon... I'm going crazy cooped up in my house! Okay, I think I'm done now :) Ha ha... this totally makes YOU want to be my friend now doesn't it???

Little one...

Little one decided that the windshield wipers going full speed was hilarious today. He pointed it out to each of us, wondering why he was the only one in hysterics. Why can't I be more like that? I need to stop and smell the roses more... laugh at the simple things in life and not get caught up in the day to day stuff that can become mundane if I let it. So next time the rain is pouring and you have those wipers streaking at full speed, give out a little squeal of delight in honor of my four year old. Life is good. Don't forget it!