8 going on 13

Conversation hubs had with little girl today:

Why is there a blanket over your vent?
It's a bed for my stuffed cat
But it's covering the vent where the air needs to come into the room
I'm cold
...um...Okay...

{A few hours later while we are tucking her in at night}
I'm going to uncover your vent, we need to move the cat bed...
But it's cold, I'm cold, I don't want it uncovered
{then I chime in} Your room is going to get really hot, especially when the door is closed
fine.
{So the vent gets uncovered}

{A few more hours later}
I can't sleep, I'm too hot.
That's probably because your room was so warm all day because you covered your vent, and now even though it's uncovered, it can't quite cool down enough to be comfortable for you to sleep...
So we opened the door up for about an hour, to get the hot air circulating out so the cold air can cool her down!

Seriously it's so funny when they think they know everything... I can't wait until she's 13 and really thinks she's the smartest ;) Love that little girl, hopefully tomorrow she'll listen to us, amazingly we actually do know what we are doing!!!

Went to the U2 Concert last night!!!

I love concerts... I have been lucky enough to attend quite a few really great ones over the years. Depeche Mode, Soul Coughing, Coldplay, Muse, Pearl Jam and U2 just to name a few. I've decided that my favorite ones are the ones where I am standing in GA... there is just something different about being in the crowd, on the floor, with all that energy! I have three favorite concerts. Muse. My favorite band of all time (they replaced U2 and bumped them to second in my opinion!) Hubs and I have seen them twice. The first time and best time we went and saw them in Las Vegas at the Joint in the Hard Rock. Hands down the best concert ever. Small venue, energetic crowd, close to the stage and Matt Bellamy. Just seriously my favorite concert ever! In third place is the Coldplay concert in January of 2003. It was also a small venue, they weren't really very popular yet, so it was just real honest to goodness fans. We had a blast and again, it's that energy of dancing and singing along with an awesome crowd.

But last night the U2 concert in SLC squeezed into a very close second place. Not only are they a great band... amazing songs, outstanding performers... but it was just magical. Seriously that sounds so lame, but there is no other way to put it. It was 5:30 and the concert started at 7. We weren't going to go to this concert because we just saw them in Las Vegas a little over a year ago. Although I will admit I had checked on Monday night and there were still tickets available, and I really did think about it long and hard before closing my browser window. But we are on a budget and I'm trying really hard to be good! Plus, I had already seen them... but anyhow, slightly jealous of my friends and family who were going to attend, it really wasn't that big of a deal that we weren't going. Then my sister called. The couple they were going to go to the concert with had something come up and they couldn't attend. He was trying to just off-load the tickets for cheap to recover a little of his money. SOLD! General Admission, with my sister and brother in law no less... and it's U2!!! So I called my amazing father in law up, and even with no notice at all, he came right over to watch my kiddos... hubs and I hopped in the car, grabbed whatever food we could find to eat with us on the way... and made it to the concert!

The 360 tour is set up to be in football stadiums, the seats are all around in the stands and there are a few places for general admission. We were early enough to be in the inner circle. I still have the stamp on my wrist to prove it!!! (Well, sort of, most of it did come off in my shower this morning) ;) So, we found a good spot in the inner circle, on the left side of the stage, where The Edge is, the Bono side was cramped... and we were close to the back of the circle if that makes sense... we were still like 25 feet from the actual stage, but more like 45-50 feet from Bono for most of the time, he did come really close several times and that really was exciting! BUT, the benefit to being on the edge was that there is a small step there that gave me a little extra height so I could see better, plus I could lean against the railing when I got tired because I'm old now... and when they walked around on the outside circle stage, I was in the front row for that! (It also helped keep people from crowding, so I actually had a little room to stand and breathe!) Anyhow... needless to say, super awesome place to be. Good, nice, friendly people around us... amazing concert... I could see the entire time and we were so close! AHHHHHH... I just can't stop thinking about it. It really was amazing. I really do love U2, love their songs, and it was an amazing night last night :D

Have I said AMAZING enough yet? Bonus points to anyone who knows how many times I said it ;)

It's amazing...

I have made dinner FIVE times this week... that's so NORMAL for me!!! Plus I have been cleaning, reading, having fun and generally back to my happy, bubbly self. Spending time with my kids, feeling happy, and it's GREAT. Seriously I'm sad it took me so long to figure out what was bugging me... but I'm glad I did, I dealt with my feelings about it, and then moved on. It was ESPECIALLY good for me to deal with this, and get over it, because I just found out that two more friends are getting divorces. I can't change it, it's sad that it happens, it's sad that I go back to those feelings and experiences from my childhood... but it's okay, I'm okay... I felt a little vulnerable, like what if this happened to me, but I can't live my life worrying about all the what-ifs (one of my fav Shel Silverstein poems by the way.) So it really is amazing, to feel normal again, not be overwhelmed by my fears or my feelings or my grief, and just live my life the best that I can. So yeah... May is going to be a good month, I can feel it =)

Not quite myself...

So I haven't been feeling quite like myself lately. After last night, I came home and talked with hubs and told him I didn't feel quite right. He lovingly agreed that he's noticed I have been in a bit of a funk lately, but told me he wasn't upset and he knew I would pull out of it soon and wasn't too worried (he does know me best so if he was really concerned I would listen to him!) So I've been thinking a lot about that today. Why I've been feeling like this, and what I can do about it. I've been depressed before. Not just blue or down, but actually depressed. It was right after I had my first baby... I was truly depressed and I went and sought help for that. I know exactly what that feels like, and I wrote in my journal a lot at that time, and I don't feel like I am experiencing the kind of depression that is debilitating, and requires a visit to my awesome therapist, and that needs a nice dose of meds to help me produce what my body at that time was lacking.

This is very different. And I'm thinking it's not coinciding with my womanly cycle either (although let's be honest, it definitely doesn't make anything better!!!) I usually get down a little when we move, I've noticed it in some form or degree every time. Even though this was a happy move, our own house, it's still change, it's still a major life event that can get overwhelming and make you feel less like yourself. But this is recent. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it until today. For the last three to four weeks I have been feeling like I have no energy, and no motivation. Before that, even with being overwhelmed with unpacking and organizing a new house, I was still working out, eating right, cleaning my kitchen every day. Playing with my kids. For the last three weeks I haven't.

I'm a very sensitive person, and when people I love are going through great trials, I feel it, I internalize it. It's a good quality, because I can truly empathize and be there for people... but it's also a bad quality because it can seep into every aspect of my life if I let it. Recently I have watched several marriages fall apart. Watched selfishness take over and tear a family apart thread by thread. To me this is the most devastating thing that can happen in ones life, in my opinion, I will even go so far as to say more devastating than the death of a loved one. It breaks my heart, for the spouses who are trying to make it work. It breaks my heart for the children. I know firsthand, the awful range of emotions over a period of several years children feel if their central family unit is torn apart. I have been hurting for these marriages for the last few weeks. I have been mourning them, and truly hurting. And I didn't even realize it.

Unfortunately that is one of my personality traits that I am working on. I can go for weeks without knowing what's wrong with me, and it isn't until I really dig to find out why I'm bothered that I can put my finger on it. It's why I write, I have notebooks that I frequently write in, I write in my personal journal, and I blog. I have been asked why I would put such personal things on my blog for everyone to see? And the only thing I can think of to respond to that, is that anyone who knows me knows that I can't hide who I am. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm not fake in any way shape of form... believe me I've tried, but I can't put on a facade for people, even if I really want to. I'm just not like that. I don't mind people seeing the real me. I can be up and down, positive and negative, but it's me, in my raw form, un-edited. And I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

I've shared my experiences with counseling, and have helped at least 5 different people to seek out counseling because I was willing to share and talk about it. I think that's a great thing. My counselor helped me to have deep meaningful relationships with my loved ones. I wasn't willing to be vulnerable before that... so maybe this is the side effect. Now I really put myself out there!!! But she helped me to have the tools to love and be loved and I will forever be grateful for that.

The best part of this realization today is that now I can let this go and move on. I'm still sad for the marriages that are crumbling. I'm still sad for the children. But now that I've grieved for them, I will move on. Rejoice in the relationship that I have with my own husband. Thank the Lord that He helped me find someone so perfect for me. Hold on to him and our beautiful children with all I have and make sure they know every day that I love them and cherish them and want them to be happy. And I hope that as time moves forward, I can get better about identifying what I'm feeling and why, and acknowledge it sooner, so I don't have a whole month where I feel like this again!!! I just have a feeling it's going to be one of these life long battles! But that's okay, progress is progress right? ;)

Friend Problems...

So I totally joke all the time that I really am messed up. It's partly a joke, but I'm starting to think it might be a little true to. So here's the deal. I have rarely had a good friendship, that I have thought, yay, I have a good friend and they love me for who I am, and I love them for who they are, and they need me in their life, and I need them in my life. Thank goodness my husband is my number one best friend or I really would be lonely.

I've actually posted on this before, ranted a bit about friends in the past who have been not so great as friends. But as I was talking tonight with a friend at a church activity, it dawned on me that I still feel so insecure when it comes to my friendships. Maybe it's because I have a skewed sense of what a friend should be? I'm not entirely sure. As an adult, I've had plenty of friendships... there are people I seem to click with... oh sure, I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else... but there have been lots of people I get along with and have a good time with. But I invite people over to hang out and let the kids play, and they don't end up coming. Maybe I'm inviting the wrong people over? Maybe because my kids are a little older and I have a little more time to play, and I am inviting moms who are still just surviving with little ones and they aren't in a position yet? I mean, I'm likable... at least I think I am.

I have this insecurity, I've been told too many times by people that they are so glad they got to know me because I'm so nice and fun and funny, and before they got to know me they thought I was a snob. I used to think that it didn't bother me... but I've been feeling a little down and lonely and now those past situations have decided to creep in and they have been heightened a bit and I'm starting to wonder why anyone would think that about me. I think I'm fairly good looking, I would even go so far as to say I'm pretty. Is it because I'm pretty that people think I'm stuck up? I'm probably WAY over-analyzing this... I guess I just feel like everyone I know has a few friends that they can call up and talk to, go hang out with, meet at McDonalds, go to the park and have a picnic with, have come over, and I don't. Maybe it's because we have moved a lot in the last few years... honestly, that's probably it.

When we lived in our Condo for seven years I had friends like that. When we bought our first house I had a rare friend that I clicked instantly with, that had a relationship like that, but that was five years ago, since then we have moved four times. I'm starting to work out my feeling about this as I type (which is obviously the reason I blog because it really does help me work things out) And I'm thinking that a combination of bad weather, just moving, hormones and maybe a little stress has just made me feel extra lonely lately. Sometimes I forget that it takes TIME to develop friendships, and I need to put work into them. So I will try. But I am also going to stop thinking that there is something wrong with me. I'm a good friend to those who are my friends, I'm pretty fun, I'm loyal, I can keep a secret. I feel better now. I'm going to be confident and just pull myself out of this slump that I am in. But I really do need to get together with someone soon... I'm going crazy cooped up in my house! Okay, I think I'm done now :) Ha ha... this totally makes YOU want to be my friend now doesn't it???

Little one...

Little one decided that the windshield wipers going full speed was hilarious today. He pointed it out to each of us, wondering why he was the only one in hysterics. Why can't I be more like that? I need to stop and smell the roses more... laugh at the simple things in life and not get caught up in the day to day stuff that can become mundane if I let it. So next time the rain is pouring and you have those wipers streaking at full speed, give out a little squeal of delight in honor of my four year old. Life is good. Don't forget it!

I'm a worrier...

So after having my first child... I started getting headaches. Not being a person who normally gets headaches I started wondering what was wrong, did I have a tumor... a blood clot... some weird freaky infection from the hospital? No, I just needed glasses. Apparently hormones can affect your vision, so as you can imagine... after four pregnancies I pretty much couldn't pass the vision test at the DMV anymore... I'm totally near-sighted. But after my first kid when I discovered it I got glasses, clear and sun... I hardly ever go outside without sunglasses on... I'm really sensitive to light and ever since I started driving at 16, I have ALWAYS worn sunglasses. One benefit I'm noticing to doing that is the lack of fine lines around my eyes... I swear all these gals I see with fine lines, it's not from smiling, cause I do that a lot... it's from squinting. I'm not a squinter, because I won't be caught dead without my sunglasses ;) (Oh but still don't look too closely around my eyes, cause I'm definitely not 20 anymore.)



So anyhow, I don't really wear my clear glasses. My sunglasses are actually too big, they will fall off if I look down, so I hardly ever notice I'm wearing them... but I've tried several different styles of frame for my clear (it's too bad I didn't get the same frame I use for the sun in clear years ago when I found that one) and each one starts to bug the bridge of my nose, or squeeze my head by my ears... so I only wear them if I have to... driving or watching TV or a movie. So basically I walk around all day in my house or in a store with everything being slightly fuzzy. It honestly has never bothered me that much, my vision isn't actually considered bad, I have a fairly mild Rx and I don't get a headache from that part... it was the driving thing that strained my eyes and caused the headaches. Still I wouldn't mind having lasik someday and never having to wear glasses... but in the mean time I went and got contacts a few weeks ago.

So here's my worry problem... so I got the contacts, and you have to ease your eyes into them... and no that's totally not just a "suggestion" I really did have to only wear them a few hours at first. In fact one day I wore them too long on accident because I got tied up at my haircut appointment and the next day my eyes felt like they had sand in them... I had to give my eyes and entire day off, and then I was fine. So I've adjusted and now I can wear them from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed... I could probably sleep in them, my Dr. said these are really good at getting oxygen to your cornea and I could go a week or two if I really wanted to, but that grosses me out... I'm sort of a clean freak, plus I'm a worrier... were you wondering if I would ever get to that part? You should sympathize with my poor husband, you should hear the back stories he has to endure before I actually get to my point... which honestly doesn't always happen because I get lost in my sidetracked mind... that would be a good name for my blog ;) My sidetracked mind... cause it totally is... oh wait, where was I?! Ha ha... I crack myself up. That's another thing hubs has to endure... I think I'm hilarious and will always laugh at myself... I swear he just rolls his eyes most of the time.

Okay, now seriously, back to the worrier thing. So I'm just convinced that my eyes aren't getting enough oxygen, even though he said they were... so I'm just sure that I'm going to go blind from this and then I'm going to wonder why I even bothered with contacts. Not that I could go back now even if I wanted to... I can totally see everything, the clock on the microwave, all the details everywhere, stuff in the store that isn't just 5 feet in front of my face... I keep wondering when it's going to get old to hear me say, I can totally see everything. And after I take them out at night I really notice the fuzzy clock on the fuzzy nightstand next to the fuzzy cat... see what I did there? Ha ha... so funny I tell you ;) So yeah, I worry about oxygen... I worry about properly cleaning and moisturizing them... are my hands clean enough? Am I going to get an eye infection? Seriously, I'm just annoying... who made me like this... if I'm going to blame someone for this ailment, it's totally going to be my dad. Mostly because my mom often doesn't seem to have a clue what's going on... and I mean that in the best possible way, she's just blissfully unaware of life around her... but she's happy, so who can complain. And my dad? Well, he was a lot like me... maybe not a hypochondriac, or a germ-a-phobe... but super intense, very detailed (maybe a tiny bit OCD?)... so I'm going to blame this one on genetics... wanna know the worst part? I'm pretty sure I've passed this gene on to every single one of my kids... well, there's hope for the four year old... oh wait, nope, he's shown signs already too. Darn! Oh well, not much you can do... at least they are clean and organized.

Oh and just so you know how OCD I TRULY am... this is a picture I found online of my actual glasses... when I searched and couldn't come up with something that looked quite right, I went and got my frames and googled the actual style number... yeah, really. Thanks Dad. =D

Almost four weeks

I've been in my new house for almost four weeks now and I'm finally starting to feel like I'm on top of my life again. Thank goodness. It's so stressful to move, but I've never done it in the middle of a school year, and had to keep track of all the school stuff and unpack and plan for a holiday (Valentine's Day) and my hubby's birthday (tomorrow) all at the same time. It wasn't pretty, but I did it. Of course I still have some boxes to unpack and rooms to organize (the craft room/office is pretty gnarly right now) but the good news is I'm so happy and content, I haven't felt the need to rant in a while :) My three gray hairs (that I ALWAYS pluck and have never had two grow back in their place) are happy I'm not so stressed, maybe they will just stay at three, at least for a little while ;)



Also, I got two chickens. Yeah, this city girl has gone a little country. I've been surprised at what good pets they are. They really have good personalities and they are a lot of fun :) Plus the eggs taste WAY better than the ones we get from the store, that is if I could eat them, I'm still having a hard time getting over the fact that they come from MY chickens. So I've tasted them and the kids fight over who gets them... but I'm working on getting over it so I can enjoy them too. Totally grosses me out!

It's about stinkin time...

So after 10 weeks, TEN FULL WEEKS under contract, we got final approval on Friday and we are supposed to close on our loan today. My guess is it's tomorrow morning instead... but that's just because, ya know, we were supposed to close on this loan in DECEMBER, then it kept getting pushed back "a few more days" until now... so I'm not holding my breath for this afternoon. But tomorrow for sure, if it doesn't happen today. I'm glad, relieved, exhausted and excited. I went to the house yesterday and my mom helped me wipe out every single cabinet and drawer and I lined them all with contact paper. We've already scrubbed and sanitized every possible thing, so that will make un-packing so much easier. Everything is spotless and ready for me to live in, well, the tile isn't quite spotless, but I'm sure it's going to get dirty when we actually move our stuff in, so I'm waiting on that one... plus I think it needs a professional grout scrub and seal, so I'm planning to do that next week, but other than that, it's ready!!! This has been one LONG, crazy and unpredictable emotional ride. But when all is said and done, I have a beautiful house and a great neighborhood to live in. I'm so grateful.