So I haven't been feeling quite like myself lately. After last night, I came home and talked with hubs and told him I didn't feel quite right. He lovingly agreed that he's noticed I have been in a bit of a funk lately, but told me he wasn't upset and he knew I would pull out of it soon and wasn't too worried (he does know me best so if he was really concerned I would listen to him!) So I've been thinking a lot about that today. Why I've been feeling like this, and what I can do about it. I've been depressed before. Not just blue or down, but actually depressed. It was right after I had my first baby... I was truly depressed and I went and sought help for that. I know exactly what that feels like, and I wrote in my journal a lot at that time, and I don't feel like I am experiencing the kind of depression that is debilitating, and requires a visit to my awesome therapist, and that needs a nice dose of meds to help me produce what my body at that time was lacking.
This is very different. And I'm thinking it's not coinciding with my womanly cycle either (although let's be honest, it definitely doesn't make anything better!!!) I usually get down a little when we move, I've noticed it in some form or degree every time. Even though this was a happy move, our own house, it's still change, it's still a major life event that can get overwhelming and make you feel less like yourself. But this is recent. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it until today. For the last three to four weeks I have been feeling like I have no energy, and no motivation. Before that, even with being overwhelmed with unpacking and organizing a new house, I was still working out, eating right, cleaning my kitchen every day. Playing with my kids. For the last three weeks I haven't.
I'm a very sensitive person, and when people I love are going through great trials, I feel it, I internalize it. It's a good quality, because I can truly empathize and be there for people... but it's also a bad quality because it can seep into every aspect of my life if I let it. Recently I have watched several marriages fall apart. Watched selfishness take over and tear a family apart thread by thread. To me this is the most devastating thing that can happen in ones life, in my opinion, I will even go so far as to say more devastating than the death of a loved one. It breaks my heart, for the spouses who are trying to make it work. It breaks my heart for the children. I know firsthand, the awful range of emotions over a period of several years children feel if their central family unit is torn apart. I have been hurting for these marriages for the last few weeks. I have been mourning them, and truly hurting. And I didn't even realize it.
Unfortunately that is one of my personality traits that I am working on. I can go for weeks without knowing what's wrong with me, and it isn't until I really dig to find out why I'm bothered that I can put my finger on it. It's why I write, I have notebooks that I frequently write in, I write in my personal journal, and I blog. I have been asked why I would put such personal things on my blog for everyone to see? And the only thing I can think of to respond to that, is that anyone who knows me knows that I can't hide who I am. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm not fake in any way shape of form... believe me I've tried, but I can't put on a facade for people, even if I really want to. I'm just not like that. I don't mind people seeing the real me. I can be up and down, positive and negative, but it's me, in my raw form, un-edited. And I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.
I've shared my experiences with counseling, and have helped at least 5 different people to seek out counseling because I was willing to share and talk about it. I think that's a great thing. My counselor helped me to have deep meaningful relationships with my loved ones. I wasn't willing to be vulnerable before that... so maybe this is the side effect. Now I really put myself out there!!! But she helped me to have the tools to love and be loved and I will forever be grateful for that.
The best part of this realization today is that now I can let this go and move on. I'm still sad for the marriages that are crumbling. I'm still sad for the children. But now that I've grieved for them, I will move on. Rejoice in the relationship that I have with my own husband. Thank the Lord that He helped me find someone so perfect for me. Hold on to him and our beautiful children with all I have and make sure they know every day that I love them and cherish them and want them to be happy. And I hope that as time moves forward, I can get better about identifying what I'm feeling and why, and acknowledge it sooner, so I don't have a whole month where I feel like this again!!! I just have a feeling it's going to be one of these life long battles! But that's okay, progress is progress right? ;)
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2 comments:
This is so exactly what I needed to hear! I've been feeling exactly the same way for the past two months, and feeling the same confusion at what the source of my dissipation could be - I even expect that we're grieving over many of the same people. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is feeling like this, and I am determined to take your advice and make progress. I love you and miss you! Love, angie
I just found this post....like a year after you posted it :-) Boy does this resonate with me! Thank you so much for putting into words what I haven't been able to make sense of! I completely relate, and it helps to realize that instead of just dealing with how I'm feeling, I better just face the REASON for feeling that way. I think as women and mothers we will always struggle to find that balance between "keeping it together" and allowing ourselves to mourn and work through the trials that come our way or to the people that we care about.
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